Breaking it down for you, one piece of dire news at a time from our celebcentric world...
CHANGE OF PLANS: Crystal Harris skipped out on Hugh Hefner five days before their wedding, which was supposed to be today, so obviously there won't be a show about it, either. She later explained that it wasn't "the right thing" for her to do and that the split was "mutual." After watching the film, Hef was inspired and slapped a "Runaway Bride" sticker on the next issue of Playboy, featuring "Mrs. Crystal Hefner"...But not to fear, for the pajama'd one is never really alone. Kendra Wilkinson-Baskett, Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt all sent their love, supportive Playmates of all sorts turned out for movie night, and now it looks as if twins Karissa and Kristina Shannon are moving back in!
CUTTING EDGE: Last week a slip, this week a snip. Kim Kardashian trimmed her hair and you all thought it was a major big deal. (Trust us, even those of you who don't think you thought that did think it.) And it's not surprising to see her registered at Gearys of Beverly Hills, but tying the knot on Halloween? Trick-or-treat, indeed! Meanwhile, the Kardashian sisters got lucky in court, Khloé Kardashian Odom may be getting ready to exact some bachelorette party revenge on her sister and Kendall Jenner's after her own spotlight on the next Keeping Up With the Kardashians
P.S.: Taylor Momsen picked up the slip slack this week.
MAZEL TOV: Natalie Portman's most noticeable awards-season accessory blossomed into a bouncing baby boy! Congrats to her and fiancé Benjamin Millepied on the hatching of their Black Swan-inspired cygnet.
2PAC RESURRECTION: Tupac Shakur has been dead for 15 years, but that didn't stop a jailed murderer from coming forward and confessing to being in on shooting and robbing the rapper in 1994. Dexter Isaac claims music exec James Rosemond hired him to do the crime, but Rosemond's attorney fired back immediately, questioning why anyone would believe a "convicted psychotic killer" like Isaac.
RUN THROUGH: Game of Thrones mighty one Sean Bean was stabbed with a piece of glass after confronting a passerby who made a lewd comment about his girlfriend while the two were outside having a smoke in front of Camden's Hill Bar and Brasserie in London. He refused a trip to the hospital, because he's macho like that.